Joey Bee

I began the year knowing that failed one the most important subjects in law school--Persons and Family Relations. It was a sign that my days in UP Law were numbered, and I had to either step it up or pack up and move out.

With old classmates at the University of the Philippines College of Law, at the UP BGC Campus Student Lounge. Photo by Roxy Ongpin

The first five months were the heaviest months, mainly because I was still learning to juggle work and law school--something, which I would like to believe my classmates have already learned to cope with (but I know I'm actually wrong on this part).

It wasn't surprising to me that I had failed out of my first year in law school. I was much of a late bloomer and I could not keep up with the fast-paced life in Metro Manila. I couldn't blame anyone but myself because I chose to take things the hard way, despite the easy options that were laid out in front of me. I knew that I could do better, but choosing the hard way wasn't good for my mental and physical health.

I hadn't tried even to exercise in the gym or try out some new physical activities. I thought that working and being at school at the same time, I only had to choose between the two. I had failed to organize my life as I wanted it, being totally distracted by my own emotions and other lowly desires in life such as food and socializing with people that wouldn't even amount to anything.

It had become one of the lowest points in my life, honestly. I felt that my purpose in life had run out and I had nothing left to live for and that I would be becoming a burden again to people in my life.

My mental health was definitely on its biggest challenge at this point since 2012, because I didn't know where to seek help, or if I ever had time to do so. I had more negative thoughts than ever, and the fact that my intakes mainly consisted of coffee, junk food, and other unhealthy food definitely wasn't helping at all.

But slowly I learned to be thankful for it to have happened, because I felt that I had improved with my professional life, having finished more of my work tasks on time and actually starting to clear my table of backlogs. I was also able to meet new people and do new things. I was still able to learn after all, and my mental health slightly improved.

With my law school constants at our friend Kim's graduation dinner. Photo by Kim Caelian

That, however, didn't last long. I became obsessed with work that I started to take over some other duties, and I'm back to not being able to take care of myself.

It was at that point that I truly realized how my life had become so empty that I only lived for my own advancement. It definitely wasn't the first time I had this kind of realization, but it was the first time that I was able to take a breath and actually get to have a retrospective about it.

One of the opportunities I had at work was to go back to Iloilo for an event. It allowed me to see my family and old friends. The visit gave me the opportunity to look back and understand that this was the place where I grew as a person and that continuing my journey here would be the best for me. 

Honestly, it wasn't difficult for me to decide whether or not to stay in Manila and work for a considerable amount of time. I had become more toxic each day I spent in Makati, and while Iloilo wouldn't be new to me, it would definitely feel familiar and I would feel more free to do as I wished.

During my last day at work. Photo by Kristine Joy Francisco

Likewise, being in Iloilo, like during my undergrad years, didn't warrant me to have a fast-paced lifestyle and didn't care about my age and personality, and that meant I can freely be myself (albeit not completely) without having to worry about other people's perceptions.

With fellow WVSU University Student Council alumni, during the 2019 Student Leadership Development Program on July 10, 2019 at the WVSU Main Campus in Iloilo City. Photo by Mars Dela Cruz

Which leads me to where I am currently. I finally learned how to drive, and still practicing so I can ace my driver's tests come next year, and I'm currently enrolled in a law school which suits my pace and is just a walking distance from where I live, and I get to meet my friends and other peers on a weekly basis. Yes, I'm starting over again with law school, and this time I know I'll be better.

At dinner with Journalism batchmates. Photo by Donna Estrada

The later parts of the year definitely shouted at me like a Taylor Swift song--that I needed to calm down. Being in Iloilo gave me the chance to calm down and breathe cleaner air, and constantly remember that the world is fast and it is unkind--but that doesn't mean that I have to be. I have to learn how to relax and be calm, so I can confidently face whatever present and future challenges come my way.

With my new classmates at the University of San Agustin College of Law, at an outreach program in Brgy. Sipitan, Tigabauan, Iloilo. Photo by Angela De Leon

More than anything, I've finally been able to learn all the lessons from the previous years of my life. I've started to take life one step at a time, not to compare myself to others, and be in control of my own will and destiny. It was this year that helped me to be more of myself for me, than for the impression of other people. I can say that I'm still not okay, but at last, I now have the feeling that I will definitely be okay, someday.

While I say goodbye to this year, I'd like to emphasize how thankful I am to have gone through all of these things. Early in life, I've been privileged enough to see so many things in life, not knowing that there was still so much to learn--about life, people, places, and other things I needed to know. I'm thankful not because they happened, but because they needed to happen in order for me to learn. To most, it would seem unfortunate that these things had to happen to me, but I'm only getting started, and I'm moving forward.