You, again.



This short fan fiction was inspired by all of the K-pop fanfics I've read, all the K-dramas I've watched, and my own frustrations with not succeeding with love.


"YOU, AGAIN"

Jaehwan found himself at the rooftop of their apartment.

No, he wasn’t trying to end his life.

He was just frustrated.

Frustrated in love.


Bring in Andrew.

Andrew was a kid from New York.

Jaehwan was from Seoul.

They met in training.


Andrew was shy, but he also had a playful nature.

Jaehwan liked it very much, so he stuck by Andrew.

But sometimes, it could get a bit too much.

Andrew would tease him, but would then apologize cutely.


Jaehwan would have some days where he feels down.

He would sit by the rooftop and look at the stars.

One time he asked, “Why do stars keep falling?”

No one would usually answer, but this time someone did.


“It’s because they’re meant to fall someday.”

It was Andrew, with the deep but sweet, and calming voice.

Jaehwan was used to it, and he knew it would keep him still.

“But why were they meant to fall?” Jaehwan replied.


“They just do, because they were meant to be that way.”

And just like that, Jaehwan knew.

He had already fallen in love with Andrew.

And so, these roller coaster of emotions started.


Jaehwan was always affectionate with Andrew ever since they started getting close.

But this time, with stronger feelings, he realized things were bound to be different.

With that, came all of his doubts, and the goal of not wanting to lose their friendship.

“So what of he didn’t love me back? I shouldn’t mind,” he said self-assuringly.


They continued on with their usual banter, being playful and cute.

Days, weeks, and months passed, however, and Jaehwan found himself falling deeper.

He knew, that if he continued with how they were doing, he can’t go on much longer.

He felt that someday, somehow, he would have to come clean to Andrew.


Every day, every night, every time, and every place.

All Jaehwan could think about was Andrew.


One night, he, Andrew, and some of their friends went out for dinner.

Jiseok asked, “Andrew, do you have an ideal type?”

Both Andrew and Jaehwan stopped.

But the only thing the American boy could say was, “Maybe.”


“Maybe.”

Maybe can be good.

Jaehwan thought, “I could be that maybe.”

“Maybe, I could be his baby,” he said to himself.


But the good feeling of “Maybe” turned into bad.

Everywhere and every time Andrew went with someone else, Jaehwan’s head was filled with doubt.

“What if it wasn’t me? What if I’m not the ‘maybe’?”

The old feeling of guilt consumed him even further.


And it was back to where the story was.

Jaehwan was at the rooftop, looking at the stars.

“If the stars were meant to fall, would they fall into the right place?”

“It depends on where they fall.” Jaehwan was startled.


It was Andrew, in his usual, dapper self.

But they just sat there in silence.

A few seconds in, a few minutes in.

No sound, no movement.


This was the moment for Jaehwan.

He was sure that this was it.

But he found himself moving away from Andrew.

“Maybe,” maybe it wasn’t him.


But even before he moved, he felt Andrew’s head on his shoulder.

“When the stars fall in the right place, they feel warm.”

Jaehwan did feel warm. “Maybe, maybe they do.”

There were no other words, no other movement.


They felt in the right place.

Andrew asked, “Do you feel like you’ve fallen in the right place?”

Jaehwan answered, leaning to Andrew’s head, “Maybe.”

They didn’t need to say anything, they just knew what each other meant.


Andrew again broke the silence, “It was always you.”

Jaehwan answered, “It was you, and again, and again.”

After that, they didn’t need to say anything else.

Back to Square One.

Thinking about how I was going to close my year on this blog made me scrunch up my face.


[CONTENT WARNING: Slight mention of suicide]

Like the previous post I published on December 20, I can say that, in the year 2020, I found myself in a place I never thought I'd be in--back to square one.

Earlier in the year, I committed to eating less rice, hitting the gym, pursuing law school full-time, getting my driver's license, and trying my best to live life to the fullest.

But I, like everyone else, never saw a global pandemic happen on a massive scale.

What I saw in the weeks that happened as it got worse was me regressing back to the lifestyle I've had in the previous decade--eating a lot, having suicidal thoughts almost on a daily basis, just rolling around in bed being lazy, and the worst of all--becoming more scared.

It was me, going back to the period between the years 2013 to 2016, defined by fear, cowardice, and a string of emotions that would be difficult for me to define.

Even as I'm writing down this blog, I even think that it's become worse this year.

I've been less confrontational, and when I do, it goes to the extremes, which scares me, a lot, to be honest. Then it worsens, where I become even less confrontational, more fearful, and generally more emotionally unstable.

As much as I do make little steps to make myself better, I find myself losing motivation, regressing, and eventually, contemplating on ending myself. It goes that quick, that easy.

But then I again, I would just find myself sitting, in a void-like daydream in the night, pondering what I should be, or should have done, with my life.

Why did I even start off this year-end blog post with the negative spots?

Because in admitting that there are bad things, we get to accept that they did happen, and at least learning could come easy.

If there was anything good that has happened to me in the year, is that I have started to truly learn to accept things as they are.

I already knew for a long time that there were some things I could not change, things which I needed to accept so I can move forward.

This year, I did, and it's helping me to become a bit better.

I got to know more of myself, through myself, and had points, that while down, offered me a good look on how I've behaved in the past two-and-a-half decades, and how I should move forward.

While they were nerve-racking and traumatizing at best, at least I'm slowly able to move on and survive my era of self-deprecation.

I've also begun to accept that getting better does not take just a couple of months or one year, it takes a good amount of time with the right amount of effort.

 For this I thank God, my family, my friends, and everyone in my life who has not given up on me.

I know there should be much to say about the year that is about to close, but whatever isn't here, speaks a lot more than what I've typed down.

I just hope 2021 will be better for all of us, and that we will not lose hope.

For whatever it's worth, Happy New Year, to you and your family.

What about now?


A photo of myself in college, which could also define my mood when I think about myself (sometimes).

When I turned 16 some ten years ago, I promised myself that by the time that I turned 26, I'd be in the comfort of my own home as a teacher with a loving wife and a child. By then, I'd thought that I'd be in my sixth year of teaching English to high school students, and most probably be inspiring them to another part of their lives.

Now as I sit here, typing this all down, wondering if anyone would ever even read this post (or other posts even), I'm wondering how my friends in Manila are.

Currently, I'm a 26-year-old into my ninth month in the journalism field at Daily Guardian, one of the known local newspapers in Iloilo City and in the region. 

Nothing I imagined ten years ago came true.

I graduated in 2017 with a journalism degree at the age of 23, I'm in my third job after graduating, and worse--I'm stuck in the middle of a global pandemic along with everyone else.

Just like everybody this year, I did not see anything coming.

Before seeing myself in this current position, the last time I saw myself in the media profession was probably when I was in college. It was hard to get a job in the profession after graduating, knowing that I've been wanting to become a journalist since elementary school.

In my younger years, I did want to become a journalist (after settling that I didn't have what it took to become an architect), and I vaguely remembered saying in sixth grade that the only places I saw myself were the big leagues, CNN and The New York Times. 

At that point, I'd been told to stop daydreaming and start working towards it. I didn't listen, and I would only learn about the need for hard work in college, which, I think we can all agree on, would probably be too late already.

But alas, here I am, at 26, still learning a lot more about life which I should've learned more than a decade ago.

I've never even seen myself in law school--and two law schools at that. I knew when I was young that being a lawyer would be too strenuous, but in some years growing older I forgot about that and thought that I could go on with it.

But then again, I was in a place that I never even thought I could see myself in.

There are some areas, though, which I saw myself in the past that I didn't think I'd see myself in now, but they're not the good ones.

For one, I knew I'd be glued to my screens--I just didn't know that it would be two--my laptop and my phone.

I'd have to be honest about that fact, I don't even like being glued to these screens, but I don't know why some years ago I've developed a serious case of FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out, if you still don't know what that meant).

I've also developed more morbid thoughts, which I've been contemplating as early as fourth grade. But I'll talk about this in some other post, and when I'm ready to.

Looking back on all of these, I honestly hate myself for not working as well as I should've in the past. 

But I still like it, nevertheless.

Why?

Because I learned.

I guess one of the things I like most about my slow growth is that I learned about learning, and how it's a beautiful process.

Some people say that others stay the same, but I guess my experiences from then until now have taught me that it's okay to trip on your own ankles, fall down, get back up, and regret, no matter how many times, because I get to learn lessons that I've never learned inside the classroom and I only learn by being with other people and learning from their experience as well.

This may not be applicable to other people, but it's helped me grasp a better understanding of the world around me, so I could become a better person and see less from my own lens, and see more from others'.

And I'm thankful for that, because it's also helped me to think less of how I would want to see myself, and to venture into greater unknowns--or as it's put in John Green's Looking for Alaska--a great perhaps.

Now, I see myself as how I like--an adventurer who joins the world to make it better. I'm not good as I would want to be yet, but at least I know I'm getting there.

Perhaps. 

Sa puntong ito/At this point (A poem)



This was originally a Filipino-language poem I posted to Facebook, borne out of heartbreaks, bad thoughts on falling in love with someone, and finding closure on the thought that we can't control the feelings of the person we love and that despite the hurt, we have to choose to make them happy by letting them be.

Sa puntong ito, tanggap ko na
Na hindi ako ang iyong sinisinta
Na sa puso mo, hindi ako ang nangunguna
Dahil tao ka, at mayroon ka ring dinadama

Sa puntong ito, tanggap ko na
Na siya ang tangi mong gustong makasama
Na siya ang pinili ng iyong puso
At sa tingin mo'y sigurado ka na

Sa puntong ito, gusto kong sabihin
Patuloy pa rin kitang mamahalin
Hanggang kailan? Hindi ko alam
Hangga't ang damdamin ko sayo'y buhay pa

Sa puntong ito, ako'y hindi tiyak
Kung nandito pa ako sa tabi mo upang damayan ka
Sa hirap at ginhawa, gustuhin ko man
Ngunit may iba na, ano pa ang aking pakay?

Sa puntong ito, ako'y nagdaramdam
Na sana'y umamin na ako noong una pa lang
Kung ito ba'y aking nagawa na
Ang kasalukuyan ba'y mag-iiba pa?

Sa puntong ito, alam ko rin
Na balang araw, may magmamahal din sa akin
Tulad ng pagmamahal na binigay ko sa iyo
At matututo ako na siya'y mahalin rin

Sa puntong ito, gusto kong ipahiwatig
Ang aking saya sa iyong pag-ibig
Bagama't hindi ako ang tao sa puso mo
Masaya ka, at doon ay masaya na rin ako


== 0 ==


Here's the English translation of the poem for the non-Filipino readers:


At this point, I've accepted
I may not be the subject of your affection
That in your heart, I'm not the first
Because you're a human, capable of feeling too

At this point, I've made peace
That I'm not the one you wish to be with
That you chose someone else over me
And that you're sure with your choice

At this point, I wish to say
I will continue to love you nevertheless
Until when, no one knows
Just as long as my feelings for you are still alive

At this point, I'm not so sure
That I'll still be beside you, to be with you
In hard and easy times, as much as I desire
But there's already someone else, what's my use in your life?

At this point, I feel this regret
That I should've let you know from the beginning
If I'd done that, would I know
If things would still be the same?

At this point, I also recognize
That someday, I'll be the subject of someone's eyes
They'd feel like how I felt for you
And somehow I'd learn to love them too

At this point, I'd like to manifest
That your life in love, it's for the best
That even if I'm not the person in your heart
You're happy, and that is enough for me.

Regrets and Resolutions: A Closing Note to my 2010s.

Photo by Agnes Marzan

(Please play this song while browsing through this blog post. Thank you.)



The decade from 2010 to 2019 has been the most eventful in my life. I had just graduated from high school, with no certainty of whatever would become of me in the following years. I knew that I would be taking up Education, but back in 2010, I wouldn't have imagined the things that would happen to me in the next years.

I started 2010 being heavily in social media, being a part of a generation that was heavily connected with the intrinsic peer pressure that I had to be online for everything and everything--emotions, events, everything had to be there.

For the purpose of this post, I had to revisit my old Facebook profile, and looking back, the content was more negative than positive, which made me cringe and cry, and if back then, I knew what I know now, it would never have been that way.

A screenshot from one of my old Facebook posts.

I was sure with the thought that I had to be mature, and thus, I put much pressure on myself to be different from who I was in high school. That meant that I had to forget who I was, what I did, and why I was where I was.

At this point, I actually regret not having been able to apologize to the people I wronged back then. I realized that I could have been a better classmate and a better friend, and chose their feelings instead of my ambitiousness. If ever I get to see any of them in person, I would take my time to apologize to each and every one of them. If there was anything I learned that could be applied to this, it's that it's never too late for anything, one just has to learn how to do it on their own terms and their own directions.

During my high school graduation. Photo by Zee Codizar
The uncertainty that lingered coming towards my graduation continued after that, and well into my Freshman year in college. I had developed withdrawal from my senior year, and most of it was filled with regrets--that I didn't enter my dream school with my dream program (BS Psychology at the University of Santo Tomas), that I didn't know how to take care of my own body at 16 years old, and that I didn't continue playing Taekwondo--along with many "what if's" that still haunt me as I do this post.
During an educational field trip to Laguna in July 2010. Photo by Ninia Sindac
The general regret that I had for myself in the early 2010s was that I didn't set myself to have any direction, because I left it all on dreams of grandeur, which were more floating than concrete. I had left myself to aspire for greatness, rather than delve on the importance of learning for one's self and for others, which, now I realize should've been the more important goal in mind.

During a P.E. activity in Freshman year at PNU. Photo by Angelica Delos Reyes
I let myself be drowned in the uncertainties that I grew, embedding in the negative thoughts of the past, thinking only of what and how I should be bragging to the people, who at the time, I thought to have wronged me.

My classmates during my sophomore year at Philippine Normal University. Photo by Mara Luarte
It all came to a point where everything came crashing on me and I couldn't handle it anymore and just wanted to end myself right then and there but at the same time, I feared death and the greater uncertainty it would bring to me and my family. I chose to live, but the lack of vision remained and I found myself with nothing to gain but also nothing to lose.

With former classmates during a field trip in Taguig in 2011. Photo by me
My mother decided that I needed to be someplace else so that I would be able to grow, and by that, she meant I should go to Iloilo because it was far from the distractions of Manila and Cavite. At first, it seemed like a huge sacrifice because that meant having to trade the hustle and bustle of Manila with the tranquility of Iloilo, which I thought at the time was lacking the splendor I thought I needed in my life. Little did I know what good it would actually bring me.

With my batchmates in Journalism, after one of our classes in 2013. Photo by Jade Abelida
While there were still the sins of the past, slowly I discovered myself for who I was and who I can be. I became more conscious of myself--in the right way, where I knew what I was doing and I knew where I was headed for.
Having fun during the Dinagyang Festival. Photo by Nadjah Mae Herida
It was at this time that I was able to take on new and better opportunities for myself, and see myself grow into a better person, with clarity, and at my own pace.

Posing with the official mascot of the city of Kamogawa in Japan, during an exchange program in 2014. Photo by Noreen Jazul
I couldn't deny that I did have my fair share of insecurities at the time, mostly having to do with my age. At around this time, some of my old classmates had already graduated from college and starting with graduate studies, and because some opportunities weren't available to me anymore. But, at the same time, this was the time that I finally internalized, that I had my own path to forge instead of following anybody else's.

During the 2015 APEC Meetings in Iloilo City. Photo by the 2015 APEC National Organizing Committee.
While learning more about becoming a journalist inside the classroom, I also gave myself opportunities to grow as a person for my community and for the world, building friendships and other connections I may be able to use in the future as well. I still had these insecurities, comparing myself to others and how fast they have achieved things.
Above: WVSU University Student Council 2015-2016.
Below: WVSU University Student Council 2016-2017.
Photos by Pixmodo and Picture City
I naturally allowed myself to trust the process and be a part of it, something which I wasn't able to do in the early years of the decade, and because of this, I was able to do things I never thought I would be capable of and be able to. The fears I've had because of my past mistakes, I've finally started to let them go, and forgive myself, now finally realizing that each day is always a new day and shall be different from the yesterdays gone.

I saw myself being the person I aspired to be when I was young, albeit in a different way. Slowly, my dreams of inspiring people were coming true. I was becoming happy with myself.

During my graduation ceremony in 2017. Photo by Michael Joseph Teruel
In everything in this decade, I've learned, that with every regret, there is and will always be a resolution, an opportunity for us to learn, redeem ourselves and be a better person.

I regret a lot in my life coming into this decade, carrying all the baggage while growing up, and forcing myself to resent other people when all along I should have been more responsible for myself. I've learned to, and I'm still learning too.

There are still some similarities from back then, such as the insecurities when it came to pacing and my age, and my inability to move on quickly from previous times, but I've resolved that I will overcome them slowly and on my own terms and that I will use them to strengthen myself.

Throughout all of this, I've resolved to be thankful for everything, to have gone through such horrible but meaningful experiences. I've resolved that in each failure, there is a lesson to be learned. I've resolved that everything was meant for me to be able to come out of my comfort zone and see the world as it is--uncertain, but still full of certainty.

Moreover, I've resolved to be a man not just for myself, but for my family, my community, and my country. I've resolved that whatever hate there is must be countered with love, although not at all times.

I've come to terms that whatever year or decade will come my way, it would still be the same--uncertain, and more possibly filled with regrets. But I've resolved that I will face them head-on, to learn from them and see myself to grow rather than to be stagnant.

I've resolved to leave my self-imposed moniker--Stagnated Baby--in this decade, and grow as Joey Bee--the queen bee of my own hive, filled with memories that will be kept, lessons needed to be used, and plans that must be realized. When those plans will be realized is definitely uncertain, but the whys and hows will remain.

To all the people, places, and events that were part of my 2010s, thank you. You were part of who I was and part of who I am now. I regret not being able to thank you enough, but I've resolved to leave my gratitude with you as I leave this decade with an open mind and a grateful heart. /JB

So long, farewell, 2019.

Photo by Agnes Marzan
The year 2019 for me, went like a breeze. It was so fast, that yesterday only felt like January. Likewise, it was also slow, because a lot of things had happened in my life. This year was that of many challenges, and like the previous years, I scared but willing to take on them.

I began the year knowing that failed one the most important subjects in law school--Persons and Family Relations. It was a sign that my days in UP Law were numbered, and I had to either step it up or pack up and move out.

With old classmates at the University of the Philippines College of Law, at the UP BGC Campus Student Lounge. Photo by Roxy Ongpin
The first five months were the heaviest months, mainly because I was still learning to juggle work and law school--something, which I would like to believe my classmates have already learned to cope with (but I know I'm actually wrong on this part).

It wasn't surprising to me that I had failed out of my first year in law school. I was much of a late bloomer and I could not keep up with the fast-paced life in Metro Manila. I couldn't blame anyone but myself because I chose to take things the hard way, despite the easy options that were laid out in front of me. I knew that I could do better, but choosing the hard way wasn't good for my mental and physical health.

I hadn't tried even to exercise in the gym or try out some new physical activities. I thought that working and being at school at the same time, I only had to choose between the two. I had failed to organize my life as I wanted it, being totally distracted by my own emotions and other lowly desires in life such as food and socializing with people that wouldn't even amount to anything.

It had become one of the lowest points in my life, honestly. I felt that my purpose in life had run out and I had nothing left to live for and that I would be becoming a burden again to people in my life.

My mental health was definitely on its biggest challenge at this point since 2012, because I didn't know where to seek help, or if I ever had time to do so. I had more negative thoughts than ever, and the fact that my intakes mainly consisted of coffee, junk food, and other unhealthy food definitely wasn't helping at all.

But slowly I learned to be thankful for it to have happened, because I felt that I had improved with my professional life, having finished more of my work tasks on time and actually starting to clear my table of backlogs. I was also able to meet new people and do new things. I was still able to learn after all, and my mental health slightly improved.

With my law school constants at our friend Kim's graduation dinner. Photo by Kim Caelian
That, however, didn't last long. I became obsessed with work that I started to take over some other duties, and I'm back to not being able to take care of myself.

It was at that point that I truly realized how my life had become so empty that I only lived for my own advancement. It definitely wasn't the first time I had this kind of realization, but it was the first time that I was able to take a breath and actually get to have a retrospective about it.

One of the opportunities I had at work was to go back to Iloilo for an event. It allowed me to see my family and old friends. The visit gave me the opportunity to look back and understand that this was the place where I grew as a person and that continuing my journey here would be the best for me. 

Honestly, it wasn't difficult for me to decide whether or not to stay in Manila and work for a considerable amount of time. I had become more toxic each day I spent in Makati, and while Iloilo wouldn't be new to me, it would definitely feel familiar and I would feel more free to do as I wished.

During my last day at work. Photo by Kristine Joy Francisco
Likewise, being in Iloilo, like during my undergrad years, didn't warrant me to have a fast-paced lifestyle and didn't care about my age and personality, and that meant I can freely be myself (albeit not completely) without having to worry about other people's perceptions.

With fellow WVSU University Student Council alumni, during the 2019 Student Leadership Development Program on July 10, 2019 at the WVSU Main Campus in Iloilo City. Photo by Mars Dela Cruz
Which leads me to where I am currently. I finally learned how to drive, and still practicing so I can ace my driver's tests come next year, and I'm currently enrolled in a law school which suits my pace and is just a walking distance from where I live, and I get to meet my friends and other peers on a weekly basis. Yes, I'm starting over again with law school, and this time I know I'll be better.

At dinner with Journalism batchmates. Photo by Donna Estrada
The later parts of the year definitely shouted at me like a Taylor Swift song--that I needed to calm down. Being in Iloilo gave me the chance to calm down and breathe cleaner air, and constantly remember that the world is fast and it is unkind--but that doesn't mean that I have to be. I have to learn how to relax and be calm, so I can confidently face whatever present and future challenges come my way.

With my new classmates at the University of San Agustin College of Law, at an outreach program in Brgy. Sipitan, Tigabauan, Iloilo. Photo by Angela De Leon
More than anything, I've finally been able to learn all the lessons from the previous years of my life. I've started to take life one step at a time, not to compare myself to others, and be in control of my own will and destiny. It was this year that helped me to be more of myself for me, than for the impression of other people. I can say that I'm still not okay, but at last, I now have the feeling that I will definitely be okay, someday.

While I say goodbye to this year, I'd like to emphasize how thankful I am to have gone through all of these things. Early in life, I've been privileged enough to see so many things in life, not knowing that there was still so much to learn--about life, people, places, and other things I needed to know. I'm thankful not because they happened, but because they needed to happen in order for me to learn. To most, it would seem unfortunate that these things had to happen to me, but I'm only getting started, and I'm moving forward.

Of course, I couldn't name people one by one, but I am truly thankful for the people that have come and gone in my life, the former a blessing, and the latter a lesson. I'm very thankful for the people who made me happy, who made me sad, who made me angry, and who make me at peace. To the people that stayed, I hope we get to know each other better, see each other for a longer time, and be there for each other when needed. To those who have gone, thank you for passing by, because you still helped me to become the person I'm growing into.

I'm sure the next years are full of challenges, and that is why I'm thankful for this year to have come. Honestly, I'm still not ready for 2020--but because this year has taught me so much, I'll be okay with whatever will be in my way.

In the words of the great Ariana Grande, "Thank you, next!" /JB