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| Thinking about how I was going to close my year on this blog made me scrunch up my face. |
[CONTENT WARNING: Slight mention of suicide]
Like the previous post I published on December 20, I can say that, in the year 2020, I found myself in a place I never thought I'd be in--back to square one.
Earlier in the year, I committed to eating less rice, hitting the gym, pursuing law school full-time, getting my driver's license, and trying my best to live life to the fullest.
But I, like everyone else, never saw a global pandemic happen on a massive scale.
What I saw in the weeks that happened as it got worse was me regressing back to the lifestyle I've had in the previous decade--eating a lot, having suicidal thoughts almost on a daily basis, just rolling around in bed being lazy, and the worst of all--becoming more scared.
It was me, going back to the period between the years 2013 to 2016, defined by fear, cowardice, and a string of emotions that would be difficult for me to define.
Even as I'm writing down this blog, I even think that it's become worse this year.
I've been less confrontational, and when I do, it goes to the extremes, which scares me, a lot, to be honest. Then it worsens, where I become even less confrontational, more fearful, and generally more emotionally unstable.
As much as I do make little steps to make myself better, I find myself losing motivation, regressing, and eventually, contemplating on ending myself. It goes that quick, that easy.
But then I again, I would just find myself sitting, in a void-like daydream in the night, pondering what I should be, or should have done, with my life.
Why did I even start off this year-end blog post with the negative spots?
Because in admitting that there are bad things, we get to accept that they did happen, and at least learning could come easy.
If there was anything good that has happened to me in the year, is that I have started to truly learn to accept things as they are.
I already knew for a long time that there were some things I could not change, things which I needed to accept so I can move forward.
This year, I did, and it's helping me to become a bit better.
I got to know more of myself, through myself, and had points, that while down, offered me a good look on how I've behaved in the past two-and-a-half decades, and how I should move forward.
While they were nerve-racking and traumatizing at best, at least I'm slowly able to move on and survive my era of self-deprecation.
I've also begun to accept that getting better does not take just a couple of months or one year, it takes a good amount of time with the right amount of effort.
For this I thank God, my family, my friends, and everyone in my life who has not given up on me.
I know there should be much to say about the year that is about to close, but whatever isn't here, speaks a lot more than what I've typed down.
I just hope 2021 will be better for all of us, and that we will not lose hope.
For whatever it's worth, Happy New Year, to you and your family.
